Elodie never imagined she would welcome her first child into the world with breast cancer. Yet it was with the disease that she experienced motherhood. Becoming a mother, taking care of herself and giving her newborn all the attention she needed were not easy. Now cured, Elodie feels the loss of a happier, lighter motherhood. Through her testimony, she expresses her regret and guilt at not having been able to give the best to her baby, but above all she wishes to offer her support to all women going through the same ordeal.

This story was supported by ETAM, an iconic French brand of lingerie and women's ready-to-wear, renowned for combining elegance, comfort and modernity for over a century.

Élodie, can you introduce yourself in a few words?
My name is Elodie, and I'm nearly 34. I'm an educator. I've worked in a home for teenagers, in a crèche and, for the last three and a half years, in a home for young children. I'm currently doing a CAS (Certificate of Advanced Studies) in perinatal care and early childhood, a subject I'm passionate about.

I have a little boy aged five and a half. I live with his father, and we've been a couple for twelve years.

How and when did you know something was wrong?
In the fifth month of pregnancy, I felt a lump in my breast. I mentioned it to my gynecologist, who wasn't worried and put it down to lactation. He didn't feel me or examine me. I trusted him and carried on with my pregnancy. Even though I felt this lump in my chest, I put it aside and didn't think too much about it.

It was after my delivery, at the maternity hospital, that I noticed that she had put on a lot of weight. I asked to be examined and was given an appointment a month after my return home. When I left the maternity ward, I was naturally very focused on my baby, breast-feeding her, and had no idea of what lay ahead. Then the midwife who was visiting me at home advised me to make an appointment sooner, as she didn't like this ball. I was then able to get an appointment two weeks earlier.

What was your first reaction when you were diagnosed? Did you keep it to yourself, or did you share it immediately with those around you? What went through your mind?
After the appointment, my gynecologist quickly sent me for a biopsy and then a mammogram, but I was still in denial. The diagnosis came when he called me after the mammogram. He already had the biopsy result and told me I had breast cancer. He also told me that it was healing well, but nothing more.

It was a Friday, and I went home with another appointment scheduled for the following Tuesday. At that point, I didn't tell my family about the cancer. I think I hadn't really heard the diagnosis, I was in denial.

For me, the real diagnosis came when I met the senologist. He clearly explained to me that the tumor was malignant, and where it was located, with the help of drawings. I was with my mom, and my partner was with our son in the waiting room.

I quickly shared my diagnosis with those closest to me: my partner, my parents and my sister. But it took me longer with my friends, to digest the news. And little by little, it became a tsunami in my head, an avalanche of questions, including " How am I going to manage with my little one? "

And beyond the diagnosis, what was also very complicated for me was suddenly having to stop breastfeeding. Just after the diagnosis appointment. I found that really hard.

How have you navigated between the joy of being a mother, worries about your health and your post-partum period, which is a delicate time in motherhood?
I feel like I took advantage of my baby when I was feeling well. Apart from the fatigue, I was lucky to have few side effects from the chemotherapy. My son gave me the strength to fight, to move forward. With him, life was right there in front of me. And I had no option but to move forward. But I also have the feeling that I missed some moments, that I was less present physically and mentally because I was worried about myself.

Overall, I certainly didn't have the postpartum experience I'd imagined. But is it really possible to imagine your post-partum life, such is the sensitivity and upheaval of this period? It's true that with breast cancer, the upheaval was more intense than expected. Finally, as I said earlier, having to stop breastfeeding also really cost me.

Do you think the medical examinations and treatments have had an impact on your bond with your baby?
No, I don't think so. I think it's more the worry I felt because of the illness that put my son under stress, and that's what's affecting our bond today. Our relationship can sometimes be a little conflictual, and my son can test me, as if to check that I'm "really there" and capable. To deal with this, we ask for support.

Chemotherapy meant you had to stop breastfeeding. Can you tell us more about your experience?
As I said, it was a very complicated moment, so sudden, so immediate, and without any preparation. I tried to negotiate a little, at the start of the chemotherapy, the time for a gentle transition to bottle-feeding, but it was non-negotiable. Physically, it was complicated because my breasts were sore from lactation. And emotionally, it was very difficult; I still find it hard to put the emotion into words. I found it really hard to accept that I couldn't give my best to my baby. Breastfeeding was very close to my heart, as I'd always said, it's magic for me.

Today, after almost 5 years of hormone therapy, are you cured?
I'll be finishing my fifth year next year, but yes, you could say I'm cured. The term remission was pronounced a year ago. Having a doctor verbalize it made me feel in remission. In practice, regular medical check-ups show that there is no longer any disease. I feel like I'm living with a sword of Damocles hanging over my head, and that the disease could return at any moment.

In this remission, I've been through several stages. Last year was a big blow, as I realized everything I'd been through since the birth of my son and the announcement of my cancer. During the treatments, I had my head in the game, looking after myself and my baby, without really having had, or taken, the time to realize. And last year, I realized! I'd had a near-death experience, clearly.

I also went through a phase of great anger and incomprehension. I've had physical pain as a result of hormone therapy, and that's no small thing. And even if the worst is over with hormone therapy, it's still a difficult stage. Today, I'm back at work, and hormone therapy makes me tired every day, causes me pain, and it's complicated to manage.

And, finally, I would say that there's still one more phase, that of accepting the treatment over time. So I'm looking forward to next year, the end of the treatment, to get back to a bit of normality, to get back to my body, to get back to myself.

Finally, how has the disease changed your life as a mother? And how have you adapted?
The illness has clearly changed my life as a mother, because with my treatment, I wasn't 100% available for my baby. I don't feel I've lived or enjoyed motherhood as much as I would have liked. Paradoxically, I was still present for my son, staying at home longer than I would have done on conventional maternity leave. But now I feel like I've missed his first few months. Even though I made up for it at the end of the treatments because I was in better shape, I still feel a lack of maternity experience.

I had to adapt, that's for sure, just as my son also adapted. In particular, he very quickly slept through the night, and was a very calm baby.

After your breast operation, how did your relationship with your body evolve?
At first, it was very complicated. I had a lot of pain in my chest. I didn't need a mastectomy, I "just" had the tumor removed. So I have scars, and it's painful. And visually, I see a difference between my two breasts, which isn't easy to accept. Another difficult subject is that, with the hormone therapy, I'm on artificial menopause. I can't wait for this phase of the treatment to be over, so I can get my female body back.

During your illness and treatment, where did you find support? What gave you the strength to fight through the treatment?
My family and friends were extremely supportive. My partner was perfect! And my son gave me all the energy I needed to fight.

During the treatments, I kept to myself, but I also sought support on social networks, particularly in a Facebook group and on Instagram. It helped a lot.

From a more practical point of view, I received financial support from the Swiss Cancer League, which was also a great relief for me, because it's not an easy thing to do.

After treatment, I felt a greater need to share with others, notably by taking part in courses and discussion groups offered by the Swiss Cancer League, or by the Centre Otium (an integrative cancer support center in Geneva). I still go there when I can, and I've made some important connections there.

Have you explained to your son, now aged 5, what happened to you?
Yes, my son knows that I was ill. I talk to him about it, and we sometimes look at photos. He also knows that I'm cured and that I have regular check-ups. But I don't say the word "cancer" because it's a scary word, and I want to give him a bit of innocence, so to speak.

How do you see motherhood today? Would you like to have more children? Did you freeze your oocytes before starting treatment?
With my son, on the one hand, I feel the need to heal, to repair what he may have experienced during my illness. And I also feel this need with myself. And for that, we get help.

On the other hand, yes, I would love to have more children. My partner and I hope to have a second child. But illness has been a trial for us as a couple. We've recently found each other again, we're spending more time together and things are going better.

And yes, I did freeze my eggs, just before chemotherapy. I did it with the idea of having more children afterwards. I hope it will happen naturally, but you never know.

What advice would you give to women going through the same ordeal?
Don't be alone! Ask those close to you, or if it's too difficult with those close to you, check out social networks, or centers like Otium. Don't hesitate to call on these people, who are more than caring, and whose support is invaluable.

Do you have a message for Pink October?

I'll say it again, but we're not alone. Unfortunately, you're not alone... Remembering this helps to foster mutual support. I sincerely wish to support women who are currently experiencing the disease. I'm available to share my journey with those who are looking for support.

So my message is: " Let's be supportive and caring, and take care of ourselves ".

Élodie, what's the best thing we can wish you today for tomorrow?
Although my son is already the greatest gift, I'd like another "greatest gift". Enlarging our family would be the culmination of a dream, and giving my son a sibling is close to my heart. After that, I'd like to balance my life by combining my family life with my work, which is still a bit difficult to manage.

But today, I think I have everything I need to move forward and be happy!