Why do mothers feel guilty?

Why do mothers feel guilty all the time about everything?

If guilt isn't a feeling you were familiar with before becoming a mother, I think I'm right in saying that you became a double Olympic medallist as soon as baby arrived. I suspect that guilt is a little beast that takes advantage of everyone raving about our baby to jump into our maternity suitcases. As soon as we get back, it hides in the warmth, ready to pounce at the slightest opportunity. Not content with being tenacious, this little animal is also irrational; we're capable of blaming ourselves for one thing at 10am, and the opposite at 3pm. And what do we do about it?

Woman sitting on the floor on a footstool with her hands over her face

First of all, let's do a quick test to find out the size of your guilt. Since I'm a gambler, I'll play a little game with you. I'm going to offer you 16 affirmations. For each sentence you've already uttered (yes, even in a low voice in your head it still counts), you count one point. Then I'll give you the results, just like any good summer test in the guilt-ridden women's magazines.

I should have breastfed (longer)
I should have introduced the bottle earlier
I should have listened to my instincts
I should have listened to my family
I shouldn't have panicked so quickly
I should have consulted sooner
I bought her too many toys
I didn't give him enough toys
I should have gone back to work
I should have stayed home longer
I should have accompanied him more
I should have let him handle it alone
I don't take enough time for myself
I don't spend enough time with her
I was too strict on this one
I wasn't strict enough on this one

You may have noticed that these statements fall into 2 categories: "I do too much" and "I don't do enough". I'll leave you to ponder on that. Let's move on to the results.

If you have between 9 and 16 points
Congratulations, you're a mother! You want to do your best, you're concerned about your child's well-being. So, of course, you're constantly questioning yourself because you want to do the right thing. By definition, you're a perfect parent and a human being built in the classic way.

If you have between 1 and 8 points
Bravo, you're a mom! It's the same thing really, we're all in the same boat. On the other hand, don't feel guilty for not feeling guilty enough.

Since we can never really get rid of this harmful feeling of guilt that can prevent us from moving forward and undermine our self-confidence, I suggest taming it by changing our perspective.

When we feel guilt coming on, we stop it by asking ourselves whether the reaction or decision that made us feel guilty was objectively the best one.

One of two things:

Either the reaction or the decision was the best one, and we have to stop blaming ourselves because we did the right thing and move on.
Either it wasn't the best, and we look at what, with the magic of hindsight, we could have done differently. We take this event as an opportunity to improve, grow and move forward.

Just as fear doesn't avoid danger, guilt won't change the past. And in life, we have no choice but to move forward (believe me, I've searched more than once for the pause button, it doesn't exist).

In a few weeks' time, it'll be the season of good resolutions. What if, instead of promising ourselves that we'll eat less chocolate (let's be honest, it'll never happen unless there's a shortage), we promised ourselves that we'd try to turn that guilt into something else? We put the little beast back in its cage. It'll still be there, but we can choose when to let it out, and for how long.