Don't be the adjustment variable!

Don't be your family's adjustment variable!

A few months ago I saw a post on Instagram that talked about women as "adjustment variables" in their families. I've never subscribed to the "sacrificial mother" discourse, but I found myself in this adjustment variable phenomenon. Without going so far as to sacrifice myself, I often take second place to everyone else in the little things of everyday life. I'll explain the principle as I understand it, and above all I'll try to give you some pointers to avoid falling into the trap, because I don't think I'm the only one. It's for the good of everyone, including you!

What's "the adjustment variable"?
The adjustment variable in the family is the person who will change the way his or her day is organized or who will take a back seat to everyone else in order to maintain harmony within the family and simplify life for everyone else. Sound familiar? Of course it does. Moms are the ideal adjustment variables, the black belts in this field.

Does this concern me?
Not sure if you're your family's adjustment variable? Let me describe a few situations for you, and see if you can relate (if you can relate, chances are you're that adjustment variable too).

It's snack time, and you open a packet of cakes for the family (since the arrival of the second child, you've stopped making homemade cakes - don't feel guilty, we've all fed our eldest children better than our second). There are 3 cakes left, and there are 4 of you (including your spouse). Who's going to spontaneously offer to give up their share, saying "it's okay, you can help yourself" to avoid conflict? It's usually Mom.

Here's another example. You work and so does your partner. The nursery calls you first (well, that's another debate). You've got to pick up the little one, she doesn't look well. Without even consulting your partner, you drop everything and reorganize your whole day to pick her up, because "it's easier that way".

Last example. It's been a long day, and all you want to do is watch a movie with your family. But you have to agree on the movie. Everyone gives their opinion, and when you're asked for yours, you usually reply "I don't care, choose what you want". The idea was yours, but surely this will avoid disagreements and make it possible to choose more quickly if an opinion is removed? And so you watch Encanto or The Snow Queen for the twelfth time. Not quite what you had in mind.

The problem
I could give dozens of examples, and I'm the first to fall into the trap of being the one who reorganizes her whole day to make other people's lives easier. It's a choice, isn't it? So what's the problem?

The problem is that, after a while, you get worn out and get into the habit of coming last. The problem is that, as they grow up, children don't see us as people with our own desires and constraints, but as parents at their disposal. If there's one principle I've been able to confirm thousands of times over almost 15 years of motherhood, it's that our children don't always listen to what we say, but they ALWAYS see what we do.

So, for the past few months, I've been trying to show them that I too want the last piece of cake, that it's not always up to me to reorganize everything when something unexpected happens, in short that it's not always up to me to give up just because I don't want there to be any fuss. I count too. No more and no less than anyone else in my family.