Education: should you punish or reward?

Yes, we know, we should avoid threats and punishments. That's what all childcare professionals and parenting coaches rightly advocate. And yet, when we feel pushed to the limit with our children (which happens quite regularly, let's face it), we can quickly pull out a "careful, I'll count to three, otherwise...". In fact, it was when I uttered this phrase that I first felt like an adult, but that's another debate. So how do you encourage positive behavior? Reward or punish? Here's some feedback.

The punishment

Back in the days when the boys were violent with each other, I was quick to dish out punishment: "go to your room", "no screens" and other variations on the same theme. I might as well tell you that, apart from giving us an immediate reprieve, it didn't do us any good in the long term, and they continued to do so until we changed our methods(see the column on arguments).

The punishment didn't work for one simple reason: it wasn't related to the behavior in question, so they didn't learn anything (apart from hating us momentarily of course), and the behavior repeated itself.

After many discussions with our village and my fellow educators (the advantage of working in the area at the time), we adopted a more effective approach. We're no longer looking for punishments, but for the natural consequences of problematic actions (it's classier to say, too). MUCH more effective. A few examples: "You've hurt your brother, so you'll have to find a way to please him to repair your relationship", or "You haven't picked up your dirty laundry despite my requests, so you'll have to choose something to wear other than your favorite sweater that hasn't been washed". You get the idea. The consequence is naturally unpleasant, it's not you who makes it unpleasant.

Above all, it's meaningful, teaching people to take responsibility and make amends for their mistakes. Much more effective than a "no dessert" or "no screen" that has nothing to do with the problem behavior.

The reward

To motivate anyone, rewards are super effective. That's why companies give bonuses for good performance. But it has to be attractive enough. Not all children are motivated by the same things, and this changes with age. The best thing is to discuss it with them.

To encourage good sibling relations, for example, as soon as one of them did something nice for one of the brothers, we put a token in a box. If there was physical violence, it was the opposite of kindness, so we emptied the jar (again, natural consequences). When the box was full, they were allowed to watch a cartoon together. That's what gave them the most pleasure back then. Nowadays, they're more motivated by food (a special snack, an aperitif), or to stay with their parents later in the evening.

This system works well on many things. Number 3 finds social interaction difficult and needs encouragement in this area. So whenever he does something social at school, such as talking to a new person, helping a friend or asking for help, he gets a stick on a sheet of paper. At the end of the week, if there are 5 or more sticks, he chooses a (non-material) reward. We've used this system ad infinitum (if I don't repeat myself when I ask for something, if you lend me your stuff, etc.). The aim is not to "train" our children, but to find ways of encouraging them to develop in a positive way. Children are like us. Punishment alone doesn't motivate us to adopt virtuous behavior (otherwise we'd never get another ticket, would we?). Reward, on the other hand, does, especially if it's chosen together.